A fleeting thought..

I wrote my Who Am I? ~ The Perfect Moments Edition over three years ago and since then I’ve had two more perfect moments to happen that should be added to what I originally shared with you all. These moments happened fairly close together and oddly enough (or not) they both happened with Donovan.

The first moment happened last December. I had gone up to visit Donovan for a night. Before I left the next day we went to Stillwater, MN to putz around. It had been the Saturday before Christmas and for that time of year it was actually pretty decent out. We spent the late morning/early afternoon walking around to the various antique shops. It was fun; he likes antiquing just as much as I do. I told him I was on the lookout for old wooden boxes to buy. I do believe I told him I wasn’t willing to spend a lot of money on them, but every box he brought to show me was almost always expensive. After we got tired of antiquing we went to a little restaurant for lunch. While we were there Santa came in. He talked to all the kids in the place and every adult, he shook their hand. A bit after he left a bunch of carolers came in and sang a few songs. It was pretty neat. I look back on that day and it was just perfect.

The second moment happened last January when I again went and visited Donovan. The last night I was there we just stayed in. We decided to watch Psych from the beginning. We drank, a lot, and played different card games. He, for the record, is a sore winner (holy hell does he know how to gloat). There is not much to say about that night, but we could have another night doing that exact same thing or something similar and it’ll never compare. It was just perfect.

I don't even know what I want to say. I really don't.

I'm not a horribly picky person. I never have been. I know all the big things I'm looking for in a relationship. I know what my deal breakers are. They aren't that many, really. I'm kind of simple like that. I don't ask for the world.

Yet, when I sit here and think about the small things a person can do to make me feel good in a relationship, I start to think I'm getting entirely way too picky.

I don't know. I just need someone who is willing to let me know I'm wanted.

Talk to me when we're not together. Be the one who initiates contact first sometimes. Don't make me be the one to do so all the time. Let me know you're thinking about me when we're not together. Don't be afraid to tell everyone and anyone that we're together.

All that seems like common sense things to do. Yet, apparently I can't find anyone who will actually do any of that. So, then I start to wonder if I am asking for too much. Is that too much to ask for?

It's not a good feeling knowing that you could probably go days without talking to someone if you didn't contact them first.

I should be able to want someone who isn't going to make me feel that way without feeling like I'm asking for too much. But, I do anyhow. meh.

Is that how dating works these days? One person puts in all the effort and the other person doesn't?

If it is, I'm going to really wonder why I thought dating again was such a good idea. Haha.

The effort that you put into a relationship should be the same as the effort your partner puts in. If you're putting in 100% then your partner had damn well better be putting in 100% too. If you are putting more effort into the relationship than your partner is then...

RUN! Get the hell out of that relationship because there is likely something wrong and it just ain't going to work.

Unless, of course, you like being treated like crap and constantly wondering if your partner wants to be with you. Then that would be a great relationship for you, I guess.

This is what I've learned thus far:

1. You shouldn't have to be the one who always makes plans to see your partner. If your partner wants to be with you they will have no problems calling you up and saying 'hey, let's do this'.

2. You shouldn't have to be the one who is always going over to the other person's home. It should be you visit them, they visit you, you visit them, they visit you, etc. Unless one of you likes being the one to always visit the other.

3. You shouldn't have to be the one who is always calling them or texting them or whatever. If your partner really wants to be with you and knows the value of communication, they will do their fair share of calling you up or texting you or whatever.

4. If you are always doing your best to make time to see them or at the very least talk to them, you have every right to expect your partner to do the same thing. I don't care how busy you and your partner are, you make time to see or talk to each other. If your partner doesn't do that, they probably don't care if they are with you or not.

I think all of the above is very reasonable. I know some may disagree with me, but that's the way I see things.

It takes two to make a relationship work.

Okay, this is where my paranoia tends to run rampant.

A couple of months ago I had the privilege of talking to some random guy I didn’t know. I say it was a privilege because he had this attitude that it was a privilege to be talking to him. He was a arrogant SOB to be honest. BUT. Once you got past that he was actually a very interesting person to talk to. He had a lot of interesting thoughts on various topics and it really did make for great conversation. I enjoyed that conversation with him more than I’ve enjoyed any other conversation in a while.

The conversation was normal for the most part too. Well, until the end when he started hitting on me and tried to kiss me. And then I had to say ‘whoa dude, back the hell off’ because I was just not interested in him that way. I didn’t like the arrogance he displayed and more importantly, something just seemed off about him. Well, sure as shit something was off about him. It came to light after the fact, that he had a girlfriend. What the hell guy. It pisses me off that he never even mentioned he had a girlfriend (in fact he did say he was single) and it really pisses me off that he was trying to hit on me when he should not have been. Don’t you care about your girlfriend? I don’t even know her and it seems like I care about her more than you do. Ugh.

This is not the first time I’ve had unavailable guys hit on me. And usually I just give them a piece of my mind and move on. This time, for some reason, just really got to me. I can’t figure out why either. Maybe he was the straw that finally broke the camel’s back. Maybe I’ve just gotten so fed up with unavailable guys hitting on me and thinking I’ll go there with them that I’ve just gone all paranoid.

By paranoid I’m talking about how now whenever I start talking to guy I don’t already know I’m constantly asking them throughout the conversation if they are single. Are you sure you’re single? Really, really sure? You’re probably lying. Hello Jamie. Neurotic much? Good lord. And that’s just when I’m talking to the poor guy with no other intentions whatsoever.

It really shouldn’t matter if a guy is single or not when you are having a perfectly innocent, normal conversation with him. But, let’s face it, it does matter. People can get so bent out of shape when you are talking to an unavailable person. Omg, he’s taken you shouldn’t even say hi to him let alone talk to him! I can’t tell you how many times I’ve had people look at me all weird because I dared talked to someone. Just because I talk to the guy doesn’t mean I want to jump into bed with him. Get that straight you fucking idiots. Get over yourselves, you do the same damn thing. And yes, I’ve really already worked through my issues on this and have stopped caring about what other people think. Really, I have. I promise.

Or maybe I haven’t completely worked through my issues on that topic. I think part of the reason why I’m now so paranoid about talking to a guy that is already taken is because I do know what other people are thinking. Yeah, okay. So, I haven’t completely stopped caring about what other people think. I really need to work on that. But, the biggest reason is I’ve had so many guys lie about their status lately and then try to hit on me that it’s hard not to be paranoid about it all. Every new guy I’ve talked to since, I’ve kind of looked at him all side-eyed, wondering if he’s genuine or if he’s a slimy bastard trying to get something on the side. Surely, I won’t mind if I don’t know, right? Meh. YES I DO MIND. STOP IT ALREADY.

And, once again, that paranoia occurs when I’m just talking to someone. Can you imagine what my thoughts are going to be when I’m trying to find someone to date? I can imagine. Clearly, I’m really hung up on the dating topic lately. That’s just because I am trying to make up my mind about whether or not I should jump back into the dating scene or not. My indecisiveness needs to stop. I know this. And I know I tend to over think things way too much.

I’ll figure it out eventually. More on the actual topic of dating and my indecisiveness to come later.

If you notice you're not on my friends list anymore.. Don't worry, I didn't mean to remove you. I was trying to delete a couple of deleted journals and somehow ended up removing a bunch of other people. I have no idea how the hell I managed that. I'm currently trying to fix my mistake.

[Edit] Added everyone back. I think I'll avoid trying to remove any dead journals until I'm on a computer, hah.

This whole thing with not having internet has completely screwed up my daily routine. Well, messed with it more so in the morning. I didn't think about how it was going to mess with my routine. I didn't know what to do with myself this morning and so I ended up taking a nap. Which, of course, made me feel very unproductive. Hah. *sigh*

Tomorrow morning I have to go to Sears and get a new tire. Talk about leaving it to the last minute. Hah. When Cage gets home from school tomorrow afternoon it will be off to Coloma we go. The roads had better be fine by then.

Anyhow.

Blood is thicker than water.

I agree with that statement and that is how it should be with family. Family should stick together. However, if you have a family member that is a toxic person, you shouldn’t be expected to stick up for them or to overlook their behavior.

I fully believe that in order to live the best life you can, you need to cut out the toxic people in your life. All that those people add to your life is drama. You don’t need drama in your life. You don’t need other people causing problems for you or even being a danger to you.

Toxic could mean just about every bad behavior that is really bad. If someone is a pathological liar, a thief, someone who commits horrendous crimes (rape/murder), or someone who has a temper that could lead them to eventually harm someone else someday (to name a few behaviors I believe to be toxic). Those types of people you shouldn’t have to put up with even if they are family. Like I said in the beginning, if you have a family member that is toxic you should be able to cut them out of your life until they stop being toxic.

I’ve run across a lot of people who disagree with me (my own family included). I’m always told you should stick by your family member no matter how toxic they are because they are family. You just don’t turn your back on family. I’ve asked some of these people why is it so wrong to cut someone out of your life who is making your life a living hell so that you can have a better life. And all that most of them can say is that would make you a very selfish person.

I call bullshit. It is not being selfish by trying to keep the negative out of your life. It is not some horrible thing to cut a toxic family member out of your life. That is what I think and I am sticking to it. :)

If you are reading this from my LJ there will be another post coming about my very own toxic family member and the crap that has been going on lately.

I have this theory about what I call perfect moments. To me perfect moments are the moments in time that after they happen, you say to yourself that was perfect. Other people might have a different definition of perfect. To me, when I say something was perfect it means that no matter how hard I tried, I wouldn’t be able to recreate that moment.

My theory is simple: It’s the perfect moments in life that make life truly worth living for. That’s not to say that I think perfect moments are the only thing worth living for. Everyone has good times or good moments that make life worth living, but I think it’s the perfect moments that are most cherished. Perfect moments for me come far and few, but I look forward to the perfect moments to come and I cherish the ones I’ve already had.

These moments can happen with anyone or anything. They are perfect for what they are. Some of my perfect moments:

• When Dave and I were dating I went to his house one night to visit him. He was out in his garage fixing a lawn mower. I sat and talked to him while he worked. At one point a song came on the radio and he knew it was a song (Crash and Burn by Savage Garden) I liked. He asked me to dance and we danced. Dancing in his garage with him was a perfect moment. I could dance with a hundred times with someone in their garage and none of those times would come close to the time I danced with Dave.

• The kids and I were home alone one night. It was during the winter. The snow on the ground made it seem less dark outside. We turned off all the lights in the house and went around in the dark trying to scare each other. This was the first time we had done this and it was one of my perfect moments. We have since done the same thing many, many times, but none of those times have ever come close to that first time.


• Watching a TV show about the Great Wall of China on the history channel with my friend Mike. We added our own commentary to the show and to this day it still remains the most hilarious conversation I’ve ever had with anyone. It was a perfect moment. I suspect we could watch some other show someday, adding our own commentary to it and it wouldn’t be the same.

• When I visited Willie in South Carolina there was one night that we went out by ourselves. At one point we sat in his truck in a parking lot and just talked for a long time. Then he had gotten it in his head to show me a lake that he really liked going to. He didn’t tell me where we were going until we got there, but that only helped make it a perfect moment. That whole night was just a perfect moment.


• The first time I ever hung out with Jack alone after meeting him was a perfect moment. He came over and he brought books. I’d say he was a guy after my own heart, but well, he wasn’t. Hah. We decided to go out to eat for supper. We didn’t have any specific place in mind and we kind of just drove around aimlessly until we ended up in Black River Falls. Just driving around and sharing the music we like with each other was great. After we ate we went back to his house and just listened to more music. It just was a perfect night with someone who I would eventually consider a good friend.

And there you have it – a handful of my perfect moments. I only have a few others that I haven’t written about. As I said before, they come far and few in between for me. The last one I had was with Willie. I’m looking forward to the next moment I can look back on and say it was perfect.

While I’m not sure where I should start, I guess this is as good of a place as any: lucid dreaming.

Until a few years ago I didn’t even know there was a word(s) to describe how I dream. Lucid dreaming is something I’ve always been able to do naturally. All my dreams have been lucid dreams ever since I can remember. I know I’m dreaming. I remember all my dreams. And I can control my dreams. I used to control my dreams almost all the time just because I could. Lately, I’ve realized my dreams are more fun if I just let them go where they may go, especially my crazy weird dreams.

I also have the ability to I guess you could say choose what I am going to dream about. It’s different than going to bed thinking about something and then ending up dreaming about that. I’m asleep and I just decide I want to dream about something specific. I can wake up in the middle of a dream and the next time I go to sleep I can pick up right where I left off in the dream if I wanted to. A few years ago I had this dream about cartoon dinosaurs taking over this city. Most of the people in the city were trying to get out, but I was with a group of people who weren’t going to be run out of the city by these dinosaurs and so we all decided to go bar hopping. I had the same dream a few months later, but this time I was trying to get out of the city. Ever since then I’ve made it a reoccurring dream and have made it my mission to explore every single building in this city. I’m about a third of the way through the city and so far every single building has been a bar or restaurant. And despite some close calls, the cartoon dinosaurs haven’t gotten me yet.

I dream very vividly and my dreams feel so real. I’ll wake up in the mornings and my dreams feel like they actually happened the day or night before. Of course, with my crazy weird dreams I know they didn’t really happen. But, sometimes when my dreams are absolutely normal I’ll wake up the next morning and it will take me a while to figure out if it was something that actually happened or if it was something I just dreamt.

All my dreams may feel real, but I have these dreams that I call my ‘real dreams’. These dreams feel real like all the rest, but they feel real in a different sort of way. I can’t really explain how. I just know when I have one of these dreams they are different than the rest of my dreams.

Thirteen years ago I lived in La Crosse for a while. I didn’t have a car at the time so I had to take the bus to work. One night I had a dream that I woke up late one morning and missed the bus I had to take to get to work on time. I was at the bus stop waiting for the next bus when three people came up and asked me if the bus had come yet. I told them I hoped it hadn’t because I’m late for work. They told me they hoped so too because they were really late for work. They should have caught the bus before the one I needed to get on normally. I was so surprised when they walked up because these people were people I actually worked with and didn’t even know they lived in the same area as me. Anyhow, the morning after I had that dream I woke up…late. I missed the bus I was suppose to take and was waiting for the next bus to come when three people walked up and asked me if the bus had come yet. I told them I hoped it hadn’t because I’m late for work. They told me they hoped so too because they were really late for work. It was about then I realized I dreamed this happening the night before. It kind of scared the crap out of me at first, ha. Ever since then I continually have dreams that end up actually happening. It’s never anything big or important. I’ll dream about a conversation I have with someone or going out to eat with someone or running into someone I haven’t seen in a long while, etc. These dreams feel different and so when I have one, it’ll get written down in a separate notebook. When the dream actually happens I’ll go back and write down when it happened.

This concludes my Dreams Edition Part 1. I have more to write about my dreams, but I don’t want everyone thinking I’m crazy, so the rest of it will get its own entry that won’t be posted to my dreamwidth account.

If you dream you fall off a cliff and watch yourself hit bottom, you don’t really die. I pushed myself off a cliff once to see what would happen..

I just did a "friends cut." Granted 99% of the people I took off my friend's list hadn't updated in months and months. Quite a few of those hadn't updated in years even. Yes, it was long over due.

A handful of people I removed because they didn't update often and half the time I forgot they were even on my friend's list. If I removed you and you didn't want to be removed, let me know and I'll re-add you.

I went from having 116 people on my friend's list to 38. :O