A fleeting thought..

There is a phrase I’ve heard a lot about cheating and I’m sure some of you have heard it or something similar before too. The phrase (as I phrase it, ha):

If someone accuses you of cheating on them (for no reason) it’s probably because they are feeling guilty about cheating on you.

I’ve heard that or something similar to it so many times that it almost seems cliché and that it couldn’t possibly be true. Sadly, though, in my experience it’s as true as true can be. Every guy that has cheated on me had at one point accused me of cheating on them. That’s just crazy.

I was talking about this with a friend yesterday and she asked me what I would do if a future boyfriend ever accused me of cheating on him. If someone accused me of cheating on him I would have to end the relationship. Past experiences have dictated how I would react to something like that in the future. I don’t think I could ignore that in the past when I’ve been accused of cheating on someone it’s been because they’ve cheated on me. I can’t forget that. And while I’m more than willing to trust someone now, I’m not willing to put myself in such a situation again.

Now, I do know that someone could think I was cheating on them and not be cheating on me. In that case, the person has a lack of trust in me. That would really piss me off. I am trustworthy. I am honest. I do not believe in cheating on someone. I would never do that. And if someone actually, truly thought I was, that would hurt me. I wouldn’t want to be with someone who couldn’t trust me either. I deserve to be with someone who I can trust and who is willing to trust me. If I can trust you then dammit, you had damn well better trust me. ;)

So, long story short. If someone accused me of cheating on them it would be the end of the relationship. No matter the circumstances, it would never be true.

Actions speak louder than words.

There was once a time when I did not believe that. Words used to always mean more to me than actions did. I think that was because writing is a huge part of my life and thus words are a huge part of my life. I placed more value on words because of that. But, I learned my lesson the hard way.

I dated a guy who knew all the right words to say. He was good. When it came to following through on what he said - well, there was no follow through. He couldn't show that he wanted to be with me. In fact, all his actions just showed me that he didn't really care if he was with me or not. The relationship didn't last long, thankfully. I spent many days during it, though; banging my head against a wall in frustration. It hurt to be dating a guy who acted like he didn't want to be with me.

I realized then that while words are nice and needed, there also has to be actions to back up those words. Now I'm a huge believer in actions speak louder than words. A person can say sorry a thousand times and 'I love you' all they want, but if they're not going to prove that the things they say are true, then they're not worth listening to.

If the person you are in any sort of relationship with treats you like crap, it doesn't matter what they say. They can promise they'll change all they want, but if they don't prove it through their actions, don't believe anything they say. They will just continue to treat you like crap and unless you like being treated like crap, get the hell out. Their words mean crap.

Live by what I live by: If someone wants to be with me they will show me. If they can't or don't want to prove it with their actions, then I don't need to be with them.

I’ve been saying it for a long, long time now that I need to write this particular edition of my Who Am I series. There have been things that have happened in the past that have pissed me off enough to say I was going to write this, but not enough to actually make me write this. I think I’ve been avoiding writing about my views on cheating because I don’t want to come across as some harsh, unforgiving bitch. Unfortunately, I guess that is exactly what I am when it comes to what I think about cheating. Recent events have gone completely beyond pissing me off. So much so, that I’m writing this now. If people want to think I’m a bitch, let’s make sure they think I’m a bitch for all the right reasons and not the wrong reasons. ;)

Where oh where to start? I suppose this is as good as any place to start: Once a cheater, always a cheater. No one will ever be able to convince me otherwise. Every person I have ever known who has cheated on someone has always done it again. Now, I know there very well could be the rare people out there who have cheated and then never done it again, but I’ve never known anyone like that. And so, I’d rather be safe than sorry. I will never ever date a guy that has cheated in the past. He could be the nicest guy in the world, but if he’s cheated in the past it’s likely he’ll do it again. I don’t want to ever put myself into the position of getting cheated on again if I can help it.

Cheating is wrong. It’s as wrong as wrong can get. There is no fucking excuse for it. If you want to sleep with someone outside of your relationship, breakup or divorce or whatever before you start sleeping with other people. It’s pretty simple, folks. If you want to sleep with other people outside of your relationship, then there is probably something wrong with the relationship. You need to either fucking fix it or get the hell out. There is no gray area as far as I am concerned. (If it’s an open relationship then clearly that changes things. I’m just talking solely about monogamous relationships.)

I’ve always said I would never cheat on anyone because it’s just wrong. I can’t stress enough how I so strongly believe in its wrongness. I don’t know, I guess someone raised me right. ;) When I first got cheated on I had a new reason for not cheating on anyone. Yes, it’s still completely and utterly wrong, but the way I felt when I found out – I NEVER want to make anyone feel that way or to be a part of making someone feel that way. I’ve had a lot of heartbreak and pain in my life. The way I felt after I found out the guy I had been dating slept with someone else was the worst thing I have ever felt. I would rather deal with the pain of losing someone I cared deeply about to death than to feel like I did after I had been cheated on. I’m not a mean person. I’m not a horrible person. I don’t like hurting people. So, guess what? I have no desire whatsoever to put anyone through that kind of pain. I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy.

I hate people who cheat. People who think it is okay to cheat even. I’ve been hit on guys who have been in relationships at the time and I have laid into them for it. If you are an unavailable guy and hit on me I am going to give you a piece of my mind. I will tell you exactly what I think of you and you are likely not going to like me very much afterward. I can point you in the direction of a lot of guys who know that all too well, trust me. A few years back some random guy downtown hit on me even though he had a girlfriend. I gave him a piece of my mind and told him what a low life he was. After that I’d occasionally see him downtown and every time he saw me he’d get as far away from me as he could. That always made me laugh. There was another time when this guy was hitting on me and a friend of his girlfriend saw the whole thing go down – him hitting on me, me bitching him out. This friend told his girlfriend and she actually came up to me and thanked me. I told her there was no need to thank me, but she should probably dump his ass. I wonder if she ever did.. But anyways, I’m getting off track.

If you cheat on someone you should never be forgiven. As far as I am concerned cheating is unforgivable. I honestly don’t understand how some people can forgive someone who has cheated on them. I really don’t. It is one of the worst things you can do to someone. If you cheat on me I’ll hate you for the rest of my life. If you try to cheat on someone with me I’ll hate you even more. I have never been like that and I never will be. I’ll wish all kinds of bad things on you for thinking I’d be like that. :)

Now to the people who think bad things are going on when they aren’t. Say you have two people talking and one is in a relationship while the other is not. Then you have people, who for whatever reason, think something bad is going on because these two people are talking. I hate those kinds of people almost as much as I hate people who cheat. Are their lives so miserable that they have to assume the worst of everyone? Or are they so miserable that they have to cause problems with others to make themselves feel better about their own lives? That’s no way to be, people. It’s those kinds of people who give good people a bad name. It makes it real difficult for the good ones to be happy because now they have to deal with people who want to cause drama in your life and for no good reason whatsoever. To those people: grow the hell up.

And to all the cheaters out there: Go to hell. ;)

U.S. horse slaughter plants in the very early stages of planning, proponent says

... Words fail me. There is so much I want to say about this, but at the same time I don't know what to say...

It's bad enough that the government has paved the way for the three slaughter plants that closed in 2007 to reopen, but now people will be trying to open completely new slaughter plants? What the hell.

The Wyoming state representative said her pro-slaughter group “United Horsemen,” is working closely with entities to open what she says will be humane slaughter plants. Humane slaughter plants? Yeah right.

Wallis also said she is working with some tribes on eventually opening plants to help control multiplying wild horse herds. #%)&*#W$ That just makes me what to hit something. Pisses me off that the slaughter of horses is going to start happening again in this country. Pisses me off that there is someone out there who wants to make plans to start slaughtering the wild horses.

Everyone in the horse world is so excited we may have an opportunity to turn the whole equine market around. Are you fucking kidding me? This bitch is making it sound like "everyone in the horse world" thinks this is the best thing to happen since [insert your own thought].

... I know I will have more to say on this, but I need to get my thoughts sorted out first.

For the longest time I was never extremely picky about what I looked for in a guy. When that didn’t work out so well for me I decided to try and be extremely picky. Well, that ended up not working out so well for me either. Haha. As the years go by I’ve slowly started to realize more and more what I’m looking for. I do believe I’m not to the point where I know with 100% certainty what I want, but for now the following is what I want or need in a relationship or in a guy.

The most important thing I need in a relationship is complete honesty. I have to be able to trust the guy I am with. If he lies to me (no matter how small the lie is) I’m going to have a problem with him. This clearly comes from my trust issues. They are huge, let me tell you. I’ve been lied to so many times in the past that I’m not sure I can even trust anyone anymore. I’ve always gone into new relationships telling myself that I need to ignore my trust issues. I need to not expect the guy to lie to me. I’m often surprised with myself, but I have always managed to push my trust issues to the back of my mind and to not let them interfere with the relationship. Of course, most of those relationships left me with bigger trust issues, but I’d still keep on ignoring them. However, after my last relationship I’m not sure it’s possible to do that anymore. I think this guy was finally the guy who completely shattered my trust and ruined my ability to ignore my trust issues anymore. So, if I am to ever get into another relationship that guy is going to have to prove to me that he won’t lie to me before I even consider dating him.

The needy need not apply. I do not do well at all with needy guys. If a guy wants someone to pay attention to him and to coddle him 24/7, I am definitely not the woman he wants. Even if I wanted to I couldn’t give someone my full attention 24/7 – I have kids for crap sakes! Notice I said even if I wanted to. I don’t want to. I want to be able to focus on other things too when I’m in a relationship. Needy guys make me feel trapped. When I feel trapped I start to pull away. Once I start to pull away the relationship is doomed. Don’t be needy please. :)

Psychos need not apply. Seriously, I have the worst luck when it comes to guys going completely nuts on me when the relationship ends and in a couple of cases, while we were dating. I don’t try to date these kinds of guys, but nevertheless I keep ending up with them. My ability to read psychos before I date them is clearly lacking.

I am who I am. I don’t ever pretend to be someone I am not. If a guy is going to pretend to be someone he isn’t OR if he is going to pretend he is okay with who I am when he really isn’t, I don’t want him. I will always tell a guy up front what kind of person I am so that he can decide if how I am is a right fit for him. Lately I’ve had a problem with guys saying that they are okay with how I am and then it turning out they weren’t really. That messes with my head. It makes me wonder if I’ll ever be good enough for someone. Plus I don’t like guys trying to change me, especially when they try to do so under the guise of compromising. If you don’t like who I am don’t date me. I am who I am and I’m not going to change for a guy.

I’ve recently come to a realization. I’ve only ever dated two guys who I thought were it for me. Obviously neither of the relationships worked out and most of you all know the reasons. I realized that in both relationships I never once had a single doubt about the relationship or the guy. I may be coming late to the party on this one, but I figure if I can find that again that is the guy I’m supposed to be with for a very long time.

I am looking for a guy that can make me laugh. I want a guy that I can be completely comfortable around. I want someone who wants to spend time with me, but doesn’t want to spend every single minute of his free time with me. I want someone who doesn’t mind spending time with me when my kids are around. I want someone who is kind and loving. Someone who can joke around, but be serious too. I want someone who cares about what I have to say when I do actually want to talk. ;) I want someone who doesn’t always need to be talking to me; someone who is okay with sitting in silence occasionally. I want someone who wants to be with me because of who I am. I want someone who is faithful. I want someone who is good in bed, ha. Most importantly I want someone who is going to be honest with me.

Deal breakers:

1. Cheating. If a guy cheats on me we are done. I will not ever forgive that.
2. Lying. If I can’t trust a guy it definitely won’t work.
3. Abuse of any kind to me or my kids. No explanation needed.
4. A guy who threatens to breakup with you every time he doesn’t like something you say or you do. I went through that with Jeff and it drove me nuts. I’m not ever going to deal with that again.

I just want to see if I did this right. Ha.

So, this year I have resolutions and goals. I'm pretty sure my resolution list is complete, but I'm sure I'll had more to my goals list when I have more time to think about it. But, this is what I have so far:

Resolutions:
* Read 70 books.
* Get ALL my poems in their final resting place by the end of the year.
* Do better at writing about stuff when it happens in my LJ.
* Manage my time better.
* Stop procrastinating so much on anything.
* Buy at least 30 books this year.

Goals:
* Crochet Dad a blanket for xmas.
* Crochet Keith a blanket for xmas.
* Crochet a shawl and another blanket for myself by the end of the year.

Last week I happened upon one of Steve Haskin's blog posts. In this post he listed 50 of the best fillies in the past 50 years. The list was in no particular order. From that post readers of his blog got to vote on who would be in a top 50 list and when that was said and done, he posted that list. It was the fans' list that made me think about who I would put on my list of top fillies in the past 50 years. I have come up with my top ten list. Doing a top 50 list would have hurt my head and would have taken entirely way too long. So, who I think the top ten fillies in the past 50 years are:

1. Lady's Secret

Pros - Horse of the Year, won 25 of 45 starts, including 22 stakes, defeated colts in the Whitney, placed in 3 grade I stakes vs. males, won Breeders' Cup Distaff, won stakes from 6 furlongs to 1 ¼ miles, ran in 15 stakes as a 4-year-old, 13 of them grade I and 4 vs. males, and was never out of the money, won Ruffian under 129 lbs

Cons - Won only two allowance races in five starts at 5

2. Ruffian

Pros - Won all 10 starts in which she finished, broke down in match race, her average margin of victory was 8 ½ lengths, ran in 9 stakes at 7 different distances from 5 furlongs to 1 ½ miles and set or equaled a stakes record in all of them, swept Filly Triple Crown

Cons - Never defeated males

3. Personal Ensign

Pros - Retired undefeated in 13 starts, defeated Kentucky Derby winner Winning Colors in Breeders' Cup Distaff and Maskette, defeated eventual sprint champion Gulch in the Whitney, also won grade I Beldame, Shuvee, and Hempstead

Cons - Only raced 13 times

4. Bayakoa

Pros - Won 21 of 39 starts, won Breeders' Cup Distaff twice, won 16 stakes, including 12 grade I's, won Santa Margarita twice, Spinster, Ruffian, Vanity, Apple Blossom, group I winner in Argentina vs, males

Cons - 0-for-2 vs. males in U.S., lost last three career starts

5. Genunie Risk

Pros - Won Kentucky Derby, first filly since Regret, and finished 2nd in the Preakness and Belmont Stakes, won Ruffian, Demoiselle, finished third in the Wood Memorial

Cons - Concluded her career in three allowance races, beaten a nose by Bold ‘n Determined in Maskette Stakes

6. Inside Information

Pros - Won 14 of 17 starts, including 13 ½-length win in Breeders' Cup Distaff, 11-length win in Ruffian, and 11-length win in Acorn, also won grade I Spinster, Shuvee, and Ashland

Cons - Never raced against males

7. Shuvee

Pros - Swept Filly Triple Crown and won Alabama at 3, won back-to-back runnings of the 2-mile Jockey Club Gold Cup, won a total of 15 stakes, won major stakes at 2, 3, 4, and 5, including Beldame, Diana twice, Ladies Handicap, Frizette, and Top Flight

Cons - Beaten in 3 of her 4 meetings with Gallant Bloom, including Gazelle for 3-year-old filly honors

8. Ta Wee

Pros - Won 15 of 21 starts, defeated colts in the Vosburgh and Fall Highweight on two occasions, once carrying 140 lbs, won Interborough Handicap under 142 lbs, won Miss Woodford in 1:08 3/5, won 7f Vosburgh in 1:21 3/5

Cons - Strictly a sprinter

9. Azeri

Pros - Horse of the Year, won 11 grade I stakes, including Breeders' Cup Distaff, Apple Blossom 3 times, Vanity and Milady twice, Spinster, Santa Margarita, won 17 of 24 starts

Cons - Out of the money in only two starts vs. males

10. Gallant Bloom

Pros - Won 12 races in a row at 2, 3, and 4, easily defeated two future Hall of Famers in Shuvee and Gamely, champion at 2 and 3, won stakes from 6 furlongs to 1 1/8 miles, won Santa Margarita under 129 lbs, won 16 of 22 career starts, beat Shuvee 3 out of 4 times

Cons - Defeated twice by males late in career (injured in latter), suffered 3 bad losses at 2 after inexplicably losing her form


~*~

Now, before I post the top ten on the fans' list, I'll remind everyone that I love Zenyatta and I think Rachel Alexandra is a good horse. With that said, I don't believe Zenyatta should be ranked first because a lot of the other horses on the list probably could have beat her (sad to say). And unfortunately, I don't think either Zenyatta or Rachel Alexandra is good enough to be on a top 10 list. Especially when comparing them to all these great fillies of the past. I hate saying that.

The top ten horses on the list that people voted horses on:

1. Zenyatta
2. Ruffian
3. Personal Ensign
4. Rachel Alexandra
5. Lady's Secret
6. Genuine Risk
7. Azeri
8. Go For Wand
9. Shuvee
10. Rags to Riches

For the hell of it, what Steve Haskin's top ten list would be if he was pressed to make one:

I'm actually not big on top 10 lists myself and this was geared more toward the fan. Also, with Zenyatta and Rachel still racing, the public perception of them could change by the end of the year. If Zenyatta were to win the Classic again or another big race on dirt, I would have to rank her No. 1.

But as of right now, I still would rank Ruffian No. 1 and perhaps Lady's Secret #2, followed by Zenyatta, Personal Ensign, Rachel Alexandra (she also would move way up with another big win vs. males), Gallant Bloom, Shuvee, Ta Wee, Dark Mirage, and Gamely.

First, let's take a look back at last year's resolutions. They were:

1. Read 50 books.
2. Make dad a blanket for Christmas
3. Write 50 new poems this year and have them all put in their final resting place by the end of the year.
4. Not procrastinate so much on school work.
5. Do a better job of writing things down in this journal when they happen(There was so much last year that I had meant to write about, but never did.) and comment more.


Out of those five, I really only didn't fail at two of them. I did read 50 books and I did write 50 new poems and have been put in their final resting place. I decided to not make dad a blanket for xmas, so technically I failed at that one. I think I procrastinated more last year than the year before. Big fail. I was horrible at writing things down in this journal when they happened and I'm still bad at commenting. Woe.

So. Now for this year's resolutions:

1. Read at least 50 books.
2. Try not to procrastinate so much. (I'm fully expecting to fail at this one again. Hah)
3. Exercised more and eat better.
4. Make blankets for Christmas.
5. Get out of the house more and spend more time with friends.

My prediction is I'll achieve four of those.