sitaangel | Entries tagged with who am i

I used to do these entries every two years. It's been almost five years since the last one. Clearly, I'm overdue on this one. The reason I've kept putting off writing this one is because nothing has changed since the last one. I'm still unlucky in the love department. I felt like I didn't have any new insights about love to share as well. I was wrong.

You know what, love is a tricky little bastard. It'll sneak up on you when you least expect it and perhaps don't even want it. Why wouldn't someone want love? Maybe the person knows they love a no so good person. Or maybe they know their love won't get them very far.

It's the last for me. What started as a way to kill time almost three years ago has turned into something more for me. Not for him. See, when all this started I was just out of a relationship with what turned out to be an asshole. I wasn't looking to date anyone, but having someone to spend time with was nice. So, why not find someone to waste time away with no expectations. I knew it wasn't ever going to turn into anything. I also knew it wouldn't last long. I would eventually decide it was time to date again and that would be the end of that. Boy, was I wrong. I became comfortable with the way things were and at some point that pesky little bastard called love sneaked up on me. It's taken me a long time to even admit that to myself. I thought if I just ignored it, it would go away. But, alas, it doesn't work that way, does it?

Look, I'm not blind. I know my feelings for this guy will most likely never go anywhere. Things haven't gone anywhere in the past almost three years. I also know I shouldn't necessarily be okay with that. It has kept me from finding someone who would want to make some sort of commitment to me; someone who would be like 'yeah, that's my girlfriend' instead of 'yeah, she's just someone I'm killing time with'.

Maybe I need to have a hard conversation with him just like I had to have with myself. Do I want to? Not really. Why? Because I'm not ready for it to end. I'm not ready to let it go yet and I'm still okay with it. Still content with it.

And just maybe, that is the insight I have that I didn't know I had. Love will happen in many different ways and it will always be different. Maybe it is okay to be content with a love that doesn't resemble anything you've felt before or thought it was.

As always.. Love is a perky elf dancing a merry little jig and then suddenly he turns on you with a miniature machine gun. ~ Matt Groening

And don't worry, I'll make sure my Who Am I? ~ The Love v5 Edition will be written on time next year. ;)

Current Mood: contemplative

I wrote my Who Am I? ~ The Perfect Moments Edition over three years ago and since then I’ve had two more perfect moments to happen that should be added to what I originally shared with you all. These moments happened fairly close together and oddly enough (or not) they both happened with Donovan.

The first moment happened last December. I had gone up to visit Donovan for a night. Before I left the next day we went to Stillwater, MN to putz around. It had been the Saturday before Christmas and for that time of year it was actually pretty decent out. We spent the late morning/early afternoon walking around to the various antique shops. It was fun; he likes antiquing just as much as I do. I told him I was on the lookout for old wooden boxes to buy. I do believe I told him I wasn’t willing to spend a lot of money on them, but every box he brought to show me was almost always expensive. After we got tired of antiquing we went to a little restaurant for lunch. While we were there Santa came in. He talked to all the kids in the place and every adult, he shook their hand. A bit after he left a bunch of carolers came in and sang a few songs. It was pretty neat. I look back on that day and it was just perfect.

The second moment happened last January when I again went and visited Donovan. The last night I was there we just stayed in. We decided to watch Psych from the beginning. We drank, a lot, and played different card games. He, for the record, is a sore winner (holy hell does he know how to gloat). There is not much to say about that night, but we could have another night doing that exact same thing or something similar and it’ll never compare. It was just perfect.

Current Mood: amused
Crossposts: http://sitaangel.livejournal.com/2276505.html

You guys, this is going to be short and sweet.

I wrote my Love v2 Edition back in July 2011. Sadly, nothing has really changed since I wrote that. I've spent the majority of the past two years single with a couple of very short-lived relationships. Those relationships didn't really teach me anything other than that I'm still very good at picking the wrong guys to date. Way to go me.

I am still looking. Giving up still isn't in my nature. I still believe that I will find what I am looking for. Yep, I still have a wall up. But, I will say I'm a lot more open to taking it down. I just need to find someone worthy enough for me to do that. And what I wrote in my first edition is still so very, very true:

I may not believe in the happy ever after that little girls believe in. Or even the happy ever after the less jaded believe in. But I do believe in a happy ever after that has love and while it may be hard it will be very, very much worth it in the end. After everything, I deserve that.

Though, of course, my favorite quote about love is still this:

Love is a perky elf dancing a merry little jig and then suddenly he turns on you with a miniature machine gun. ~ Matt Groening

Only because love hasn't been anything but something like that for me in a very long time.

Now, this edition has been titled v3.1 and that is because I reserve the right to update the Love Edition to v3.2 before another two years have passed if anything has changed. If nothing changes before another two years have passed, keep an eye out for my Love v4 Edition. :)

Current Mood: calm
Crossposts: http://sitaangel.livejournal.com/2252246.html

I have this theory about what I call perfect moments. To me perfect moments are the moments in time that after they happen, you say to yourself that was perfect. Other people might have a different definition of perfect. To me, when I say something was perfect it means that no matter how hard I tried, I wouldn’t be able to recreate that moment.

My theory is simple: It’s the perfect moments in life that make life truly worth living for. That’s not to say that I think perfect moments are the only thing worth living for. Everyone has good times or good moments that make life worth living, but I think it’s the perfect moments that are most cherished. Perfect moments for me come far and few, but I look forward to the perfect moments to come and I cherish the ones I’ve already had.

These moments can happen with anyone or anything. They are perfect for what they are. Some of my perfect moments:

• When Dave and I were dating I went to his house one night to visit him. He was out in his garage fixing a lawn mower. I sat and talked to him while he worked. At one point a song came on the radio and he knew it was a song (Crash and Burn by Savage Garden) I liked. He asked me to dance and we danced. Dancing in his garage with him was a perfect moment. I could dance with a hundred times with someone in their garage and none of those times would come close to the time I danced with Dave.

• The kids and I were home alone one night. It was during the winter. The snow on the ground made it seem less dark outside. We turned off all the lights in the house and went around in the dark trying to scare each other. This was the first time we had done this and it was one of my perfect moments. We have since done the same thing many, many times, but none of those times have ever come close to that first time.

• Watching a TV show about the Great Wall of China on the history channel with my friend Mike. We added our own commentary to the show and to this day it still remains the most hilarious conversation I’ve ever had with anyone. It was a perfect moment. I suspect we could watch some other show someday, adding our own commentary to it and it wouldn’t be the same.

• When I visited Willie in South Carolina there was one night that we went out by ourselves. At one point we sat in his truck in a parking lot and just talked for a long time. Then he had gotten it in his head to show me a lake that he really liked going to. He didn’t tell me where we were going until we got there, but that only helped make it a perfect moment. That whole night was just a perfect moment.

• The first time I ever hung out with Jack alone after meeting him was a perfect moment. He came over and he brought books. I’d say he was a guy after my own heart, but well, he wasn’t. Hah. We decided to go out to eat for supper. We didn’t have any specific place in mind and we kind of just drove around aimlessly until we ended up in Black River Falls. Just driving around and sharing the music we like with each other was great. After we ate we went back to his house and just listened to more music. It just was a perfect night with someone who I would eventually consider a good friend.

And there you have it – a handful of my perfect moments. I only have a few others that I haven’t written about. As I said before, they come far and few in between for me. The last one I had was with Willie. I’m looking forward to the next moment I can look back on and say it was perfect.

Current Mood: chipper
Crossposts: http://sitaangel.livejournal.com/2198227.html

While I’m not sure where I should start, I guess this is as good of a place as any: lucid dreaming.

Until a few years ago I didn’t even know there was a word(s) to describe how I dream. Lucid dreaming is something I’ve always been able to do naturally. All my dreams have been lucid dreams ever since I can remember. I know I’m dreaming. I remember all my dreams. And I can control my dreams. I used to control my dreams almost all the time just because I could. Lately, I’ve realized my dreams are more fun if I just let them go where they may go, especially my crazy weird dreams.

I also have the ability to I guess you could say choose what I am going to dream about. It’s different than going to bed thinking about something and then ending up dreaming about that. I’m asleep and I just decide I want to dream about something specific. I can wake up in the middle of a dream and the next time I go to sleep I can pick up right where I left off in the dream if I wanted to. A few years ago I had this dream about cartoon dinosaurs taking over this city. Most of the people in the city were trying to get out, but I was with a group of people who weren’t going to be run out of the city by these dinosaurs and so we all decided to go bar hopping. I had the same dream a few months later, but this time I was trying to get out of the city. Ever since then I’ve made it a reoccurring dream and have made it my mission to explore every single building in this city. I’m about a third of the way through the city and so far every single building has been a bar or restaurant. And despite some close calls, the cartoon dinosaurs haven’t gotten me yet.

I dream very vividly and my dreams feel so real. I’ll wake up in the mornings and my dreams feel like they actually happened the day or night before. Of course, with my crazy weird dreams I know they didn’t really happen. But, sometimes when my dreams are absolutely normal I’ll wake up the next morning and it will take me a while to figure out if it was something that actually happened or if it was something I just dreamt.

All my dreams may feel real, but I have these dreams that I call my ‘real dreams’. These dreams feel real like all the rest, but they feel real in a different sort of way. I can’t really explain how. I just know when I have one of these dreams they are different than the rest of my dreams.

Thirteen years ago I lived in La Crosse for a while. I didn’t have a car at the time so I had to take the bus to work. One night I had a dream that I woke up late one morning and missed the bus I had to take to get to work on time. I was at the bus stop waiting for the next bus when three people came up and asked me if the bus had come yet. I told them I hoped it hadn’t because I’m late for work. They told me they hoped so too because they were really late for work. They should have caught the bus before the one I needed to get on normally. I was so surprised when they walked up because these people were people I actually worked with and didn’t even know they lived in the same area as me. Anyhow, the morning after I had that dream I woke up…late. I missed the bus I was suppose to take and was waiting for the next bus to come when three people walked up and asked me if the bus had come yet. I told them I hoped it hadn’t because I’m late for work. They told me they hoped so too because they were really late for work. It was about then I realized I dreamed this happening the night before. It kind of scared the crap out of me at first, ha. Ever since then I continually have dreams that end up actually happening. It’s never anything big or important. I’ll dream about a conversation I have with someone or going out to eat with someone or running into someone I haven’t seen in a long while, etc. These dreams feel different and so when I have one, it’ll get written down in a separate notebook. When the dream actually happens I’ll go back and write down when it happened.

This concludes my Dreams Edition Part 1. I have more to write about my dreams, but I don’t want everyone thinking I’m crazy, so the rest of it will get its own entry that won’t be posted to my dreamwidth account.

If you dream you fall off a cliff and watch yourself hit bottom, you don’t really die. I pushed myself off a cliff once to see what would happen..

Current Mood: accomplished
Crossposts: http://sitaangel.livejournal.com/2193960.html

I’ve been saying it for a long, long time now that I need to write this particular edition of my Who Am I series. There have been things that have happened in the past that have pissed me off enough to say I was going to write this, but not enough to actually make me write this. I think I’ve been avoiding writing about my views on cheating because I don’t want to come across as some harsh, unforgiving bitch. Unfortunately, I guess that is exactly what I am when it comes to what I think about cheating. Recent events have gone completely beyond pissing me off. So much so, that I’m writing this now. If people want to think I’m a bitch, let’s make sure they think I’m a bitch for all the right reasons and not the wrong reasons. ;)

Where oh where to start? I suppose this is as good as any place to start: Once a cheater, always a cheater. No one will ever be able to convince me otherwise. Every person I have ever known who has cheated on someone has always done it again. Now, I know there very well could be the rare people out there who have cheated and then never done it again, but I’ve never known anyone like that. And so, I’d rather be safe than sorry. I will never ever date a guy that has cheated in the past. He could be the nicest guy in the world, but if he’s cheated in the past it’s likely he’ll do it again. I don’t want to ever put myself into the position of getting cheated on again if I can help it.

Cheating is wrong. It’s as wrong as wrong can get. There is no fucking excuse for it. If you want to sleep with someone outside of your relationship, breakup or divorce or whatever before you start sleeping with other people. It’s pretty simple, folks. If you want to sleep with other people outside of your relationship, then there is probably something wrong with the relationship. You need to either fucking fix it or get the hell out. There is no gray area as far as I am concerned. (If it’s an open relationship then clearly that changes things. I’m just talking solely about monogamous relationships.)

I’ve always said I would never cheat on anyone because it’s just wrong. I can’t stress enough how I so strongly believe in its wrongness. I don’t know, I guess someone raised me right. ;) When I first got cheated on I had a new reason for not cheating on anyone. Yes, it’s still completely and utterly wrong, but the way I felt when I found out – I NEVER want to make anyone feel that way or to be a part of making someone feel that way. I’ve had a lot of heartbreak and pain in my life. The way I felt after I found out the guy I had been dating slept with someone else was the worst thing I have ever felt. I would rather deal with the pain of losing someone I cared deeply about to death than to feel like I did after I had been cheated on. I’m not a mean person. I’m not a horrible person. I don’t like hurting people. So, guess what? I have no desire whatsoever to put anyone through that kind of pain. I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy.

I hate people who cheat. People who think it is okay to cheat even. I’ve been hit on guys who have been in relationships at the time and I have laid into them for it. If you are an unavailable guy and hit on me I am going to give you a piece of my mind. I will tell you exactly what I think of you and you are likely not going to like me very much afterward. I can point you in the direction of a lot of guys who know that all too well, trust me. A few years back some random guy downtown hit on me even though he had a girlfriend. I gave him a piece of my mind and told him what a low life he was. After that I’d occasionally see him downtown and every time he saw me he’d get as far away from me as he could. That always made me laugh. There was another time when this guy was hitting on me and a friend of his girlfriend saw the whole thing go down – him hitting on me, me bitching him out. This friend told his girlfriend and she actually came up to me and thanked me. I told her there was no need to thank me, but she should probably dump his ass. I wonder if she ever did.. But anyways, I’m getting off track.

If you cheat on someone you should never be forgiven. As far as I am concerned cheating is unforgivable. I honestly don’t understand how some people can forgive someone who has cheated on them. I really don’t. It is one of the worst things you can do to someone. If you cheat on me I’ll hate you for the rest of my life. If you try to cheat on someone with me I’ll hate you even more. I have never been like that and I never will be. I’ll wish all kinds of bad things on you for thinking I’d be like that. :)

Now to the people who think bad things are going on when they aren’t. Say you have two people talking and one is in a relationship while the other is not. Then you have people, who for whatever reason, think something bad is going on because these two people are talking. I hate those kinds of people almost as much as I hate people who cheat. Are their lives so miserable that they have to assume the worst of everyone? Or are they so miserable that they have to cause problems with others to make themselves feel better about their own lives? That’s no way to be, people. It’s those kinds of people who give good people a bad name. It makes it real difficult for the good ones to be happy because now they have to deal with people who want to cause drama in your life and for no good reason whatsoever. To those people: grow the hell up.

And to all the cheaters out there: Go to hell. ;)

Current Mood: cheerful
Crossposts: http://sitaangel.livejournal.com/2154986.html

Over two years ago I wrote the first Love Edition of my Who Am I series. In the two years and some odd months I’ve tried and failed to get into a relationship with a guy, gotten my heart broken, and dated a couple complete asses. What have I learned from those relationships?

1. No matter how much you want to be with someone, it doesn’t mean that you will be. Accept that before you end up getting hurt.

2. Just because someone is the one for you doesn’t mean you are the one of them.

3. Don’t ever date anyone with tons of issues that will affect the relationship. You’ll just end up banging your head against the wall more than you ever thought you would.

4. Everyone and their brother can tell you a guy is a great, nice guy, but that doesn’t mean crap. Apparently even a so-called “nice guy” can be a complete psycho.

Now where do these past relationships leave me? In some ways they leave me wondering why the hell I’m even trying anymore. But, it only makes me wonder that briefly. I’ll think that and then right after I remind myself that I keep trying because I’m not ready to accept that I’ll end up alone for the rest of my life. I really don’t want that so I keep trying.

So, yes, I still believe in a happy ever after that has love in it. I still believe that it will be very, very hard, but well worth it in the end. Yet, my view on it has also changed a bit. When I wrote the last edition I realized that maybe the reason my relationships weren’t working out was because I refused to let these guys get close to me. I’d hold them at a distance. Sure, I’d let myself fall in love with some of them, but never as in love as I could be. I did this so that if (when) the relationship didn’t work out I wouldn’t be horribly hurt. I decided that what I needed to do was let someone get close to me. I tried that with the guy I couldn’t get into a relationship with. I let him close to me while he was too afraid to let me get close to him. As a result I ended up getting hurt even though I never even dated him. Even so, I decided to let another guy get close to me. That didn’t work out so well either and I ended up getting my heart torn out. After that, I said screw it. I can’t deal with being hurt like this over and over. So the last two relationships I didn’t let the guys get close to me and I didn’t get hurt. Now I’m single again and I’m back to do I try to let someone close to me or not again.

I know in order to get my happy ever after I do have to eventually let someone close to me. But, for now I’ve got a wall that’s a mile high up around me. I shall still look for love, but I have to say I’m more jaded about it.

Love is a perky elf dancing a merry little jig and then suddenly he turns on you with a miniature machine gun. ~ Matt Groening

That above, is where the past two years has left me.