sitaangel: (Default)
Bullshit. Whoever said time heals all has never been hurt. Time does not heal all.

Time does lessen the pain, though.

It has been years and years and years since I lost Jason and guess what? It still hurts. The day he died is still the hardest day of the year for me. Time has lessened the pain and made it more bearable. The first year after his death was absolute hell and on the first anniversary of his death I hid from the world and let self pity take over. And I cried a lot. To be honest, it was like that for the second and third and fourth years too. By the fifth anniversary of his death…I finally got out of the self pity mode. It still hurt like hell, though. On that one and in subsequent ones, I often times was useless on that day. As the years went by the more the pain lessened and the better I was able to manage each anniversary of his death.

Now? Now I can spend most of the day not dwelling on him and what we had and how much it hurt to lose him. Now it’s only in those moments before sleep that I think about him and mourn the life I should have been able to have with him.

Yes. Time does not heal, darlings; not at all. It will hurt until the day you die, but time will make you stronger and lessen the pain.
sitaangel: (Default)
I don't even know what I want to say. I really don't.

I'm not a horribly picky person. I never have been. I know all the big things I'm looking for in a relationship. I know what my deal breakers are. They aren't that many, really. I'm kind of simple like that. I don't ask for the world.

Yet, when I sit here and think about the small things a person can do to make me feel good in a relationship, I start to think I'm getting entirely way too picky.

I don't know. I just need someone who is willing to let me know I'm wanted.

Talk to me when we're not together. Be the one who initiates contact first sometimes. Don't make me be the one to do so all the time. Let me know you're thinking about me when we're not together. Don't be afraid to tell everyone and anyone that we're together.

All that seems like common sense things to do. Yet, apparently I can't find anyone who will actually do any of that. So, then I start to wonder if I am asking for too much. Is that too much to ask for?

It's not a good feeling knowing that you could probably go days without talking to someone if you didn't contact them first.

I should be able to want someone who isn't going to make me feel that way without feeling like I'm asking for too much. But, I do anyhow. meh.

Is that how dating works these days? One person puts in all the effort and the other person doesn't?

If it is, I'm going to really wonder why I thought dating again was such a good idea. Haha.
sitaangel: (Default)
The effort that you put into a relationship should be the same as the effort your partner puts in. If you're putting in 100% then your partner had damn well better be putting in 100% too. If you are putting more effort into the relationship than your partner is then...

RUN! Get the hell out of that relationship because there is likely something wrong and it just ain't going to work.

Unless, of course, you like being treated like crap and constantly wondering if your partner wants to be with you. Then that would be a great relationship for you, I guess.

This is what I've learned thus far:

1. You shouldn't have to be the one who always makes plans to see your partner. If your partner wants to be with you they will have no problems calling you up and saying 'hey, let's do this'.

2. You shouldn't have to be the one who is always going over to the other person's home. It should be you visit them, they visit you, you visit them, they visit you, etc. Unless one of you likes being the one to always visit the other.

3. You shouldn't have to be the one who is always calling them or texting them or whatever. If your partner really wants to be with you and knows the value of communication, they will do their fair share of calling you up or texting you or whatever.

4. If you are always doing your best to make time to see them or at the very least talk to them, you have every right to expect your partner to do the same thing. I don't care how busy you and your partner are, you make time to see or talk to each other. If your partner doesn't do that, they probably don't care if they are with you or not.

I think all of the above is very reasonable. I know some may disagree with me, but that's the way I see things.

It takes two to make a relationship work.
sitaangel: (Default)
It's taken me forever to get this entry written. I've started it a few times only to scratch everything and start over again. In the end this entry is really going to be short and sweet.

I could sit here and list all the reasons why I'm unsure about jumping back into the dating scene, but really, what is the point of that?

Yes, I am really paranoid about people pretending to be something they are not. After having my last three exes turn out to not be decent guys at all and flip out on me when the relationships ended, how can I not be?

Yes, I am scared, to some extent, of letting someone close to me. I don't want my heart broken yet again or getting screwed over yet again.

But, at some point I have to tell my fears and paranoia to fuck off. If I can ignore my trust issues, I can ignore those too. The biggest reason I've decided to jump back into the dating scene? I'm tired of being lonely. It's as simple as that.

Now that I have started dating again. I'm bound determined to find a decent guy to date. Dammit, I won't stop until I find someone who deserves me. ;)

See? Short and sweet. And for those reading this on LJ, there is actually more to come in an entry just for LJ. Lol
sitaangel: (Default)
Okay, this is where my paranoia tends to run rampant.

A couple of months ago I had the privilege of talking to some random guy I didn’t know. I say it was a privilege because he had this attitude that it was a privilege to be talking to him. He was a arrogant SOB to be honest. BUT. Once you got past that he was actually a very interesting person to talk to. He had a lot of interesting thoughts on various topics and it really did make for great conversation. I enjoyed that conversation with him more than I’ve enjoyed any other conversation in a while.

The conversation was normal for the most part too. Well, until the end when he started hitting on me and tried to kiss me. And then I had to say ‘whoa dude, back the hell off’ because I was just not interested in him that way. I didn’t like the arrogance he displayed and more importantly, something just seemed off about him. Well, sure as shit something was off about him. It came to light after the fact, that he had a girlfriend. What the hell guy. It pisses me off that he never even mentioned he had a girlfriend (in fact he did say he was single) and it really pisses me off that he was trying to hit on me when he should not have been. Don’t you care about your girlfriend? I don’t even know her and it seems like I care about her more than you do. Ugh.

This is not the first time I’ve had unavailable guys hit on me. And usually I just give them a piece of my mind and move on. This time, for some reason, just really got to me. I can’t figure out why either. Maybe he was the straw that finally broke the camel’s back. Maybe I’ve just gotten so fed up with unavailable guys hitting on me and thinking I’ll go there with them that I’ve just gone all paranoid.

By paranoid I’m talking about how now whenever I start talking to guy I don’t already know I’m constantly asking them throughout the conversation if they are single. Are you sure you’re single? Really, really sure? You’re probably lying. Hello Jamie. Neurotic much? Good lord. And that’s just when I’m talking to the poor guy with no other intentions whatsoever.

It really shouldn’t matter if a guy is single or not when you are having a perfectly innocent, normal conversation with him. But, let’s face it, it does matter. People can get so bent out of shape when you are talking to an unavailable person. Omg, he’s taken you shouldn’t even say hi to him let alone talk to him! I can’t tell you how many times I’ve had people look at me all weird because I dared talked to someone. Just because I talk to the guy doesn’t mean I want to jump into bed with him. Get that straight you fucking idiots. Get over yourselves, you do the same damn thing. And yes, I’ve really already worked through my issues on this and have stopped caring about what other people think. Really, I have. I promise.

Or maybe I haven’t completely worked through my issues on that topic. I think part of the reason why I’m now so paranoid about talking to a guy that is already taken is because I do know what other people are thinking. Yeah, okay. So, I haven’t completely stopped caring about what other people think. I really need to work on that. But, the biggest reason is I’ve had so many guys lie about their status lately and then try to hit on me that it’s hard not to be paranoid about it all. Every new guy I’ve talked to since, I’ve kind of looked at him all side-eyed, wondering if he’s genuine or if he’s a slimy bastard trying to get something on the side. Surely, I won’t mind if I don’t know, right? Meh. YES I DO MIND. STOP IT ALREADY.

And, once again, that paranoia occurs when I’m just talking to someone. Can you imagine what my thoughts are going to be when I’m trying to find someone to date? I can imagine. Clearly, I’m really hung up on the dating topic lately. That’s just because I am trying to make up my mind about whether or not I should jump back into the dating scene or not. My indecisiveness needs to stop. I know this. And I know I tend to over think things way too much.

I’ll figure it out eventually. More on the actual topic of dating and my indecisiveness to come later.
sitaangel: (Default)
When it comes to whether I should jump back into the dating scene or not – I’ve been so damn indecisive. I can’t make up my mind. At the rate it is taking me to decide, I may never date again.

I am tired of being alone. It would be so nice to have a man. Someone to call my own; someone to call me his. And all that crap. But..

Do I really want to deal with all the stuff that comes with trying to date?? Having to meet someone and get to know them and try to figure out if they like you or not and then deciding if they are worth dating or not.. Good lord. That can be exhausting.

And let’s not forget – I really don’t know if I can trust my judgment. The last three guys I’ve dated ended up flipping out on me after we broke up. One was an ass while we were dating. Another one was a needy fucker that made me feel like I could never do anything right. The third.. He was nice (until we broke up), but my feelings never grew for him. What can ya do? So, if I do start dating again, I’ll be constantly wondering if this guy or that guy will turn out to be an asshole in the end like the last three.

How do I find a guy that really is a decent guy? One that won’t flip out on me should the relationship happen to end. Are there any guys out there who are really who they say they are? I haven’t met very many guys who don’t lie about themselves. That’s sad.

What is a girl to do?

(And the rest of this entry will have to wait until I get my thoughts straight, hah.)
sitaangel: (Default)
I don’t always get people who have online romantic relationships with people they’ve never met. It’s the people who fall in love with someone online and have a relationship with this person for years without ever meeting the person that I don’t get. Why haven’t they met yet?

In this day and age with webcams and the like, you should be able to ask the person you’re dating online to prove they are who they really say they are and they should be willing to prove it. When you watch a show like Catfish you realize just how many people are out there that are in an online relationship and they don’t truly know if the person is who they say they are. These people have to be so trusting and naive to date someone who has excuse after excuse as to why they can’t meet them or someone who won’t prove who they are on webcam. I really don’t get how someone can be that trusting. If I was dating someone online I would want to meet them and if the person kept coming up with excuses as to why they couldn’t meet me, I’d be like bye-bye.

I really don’t understand how someone can fall completely in love with a person they’ve never met either. I know that it does happen to people and I’m not saying it can’t. I just don’t understand how it happens. Maybe it is one of those things that would have to happen to you before you understand it??

My relationship with Willie, 80% of it was online. It had to be seeing as he lived halfway across the country. We had met on a dating site. After talking to him for a while I did think to myself I like this guy and I’d like to meet him. I did meet him and hung out with him before I decided to date him and it was sometime after that when I fell in love with him. I sometimes wonder if I would have still fallen in love with him if I hadn’t met him when I did. Hmm.

I will say that I do know the one good thing about online relationships is that you learn so much about the person because all you can do is talk.

So, any of you been in an online relationship with someone? If so, how did it come about and how did it go for you? What are your thoughts on this? I’m curious.
sitaangel: (Default)
Blood is thicker than water.

I agree with that statement and that is how it should be with family. Family should stick together. However, if you have a family member that is a toxic person, you shouldn’t be expected to stick up for them or to overlook their behavior.

I fully believe that in order to live the best life you can, you need to cut out the toxic people in your life. All that those people add to your life is drama. You don’t need drama in your life. You don’t need other people causing problems for you or even being a danger to you.

Toxic could mean just about every bad behavior that is really bad. If someone is a pathological liar, a thief, someone who commits horrendous crimes (rape/murder), or someone who has a temper that could lead them to eventually harm someone else someday (to name a few behaviors I believe to be toxic). Those types of people you shouldn’t have to put up with even if they are family. Like I said in the beginning, if you have a family member that is toxic you should be able to cut them out of your life until they stop being toxic.

I’ve run across a lot of people who disagree with me (my own family included). I’m always told you should stick by your family member no matter how toxic they are because they are family. You just don’t turn your back on family. I’ve asked some of these people why is it so wrong to cut someone out of your life who is making your life a living hell so that you can have a better life. And all that most of them can say is that would make you a very selfish person.

I call bullshit. It is not being selfish by trying to keep the negative out of your life. It is not some horrible thing to cut a toxic family member out of your life. That is what I think and I am sticking to it. :)

If you are reading this from my LJ there will be another post coming about my very own toxic family member and the crap that has been going on lately.
sitaangel: (Default)
There is a phrase I’ve heard a lot about cheating and I’m sure some of you have heard it or something similar before too. The phrase (as I phrase it, ha):

If someone accuses you of cheating on them (for no reason) it’s probably because they are feeling guilty about cheating on you.

I’ve heard that or something similar to it so many times that it almost seems cliché and that it couldn’t possibly be true. Sadly, though, in my experience it’s as true as true can be. Every guy that has cheated on me had at one point accused me of cheating on them. That’s just crazy.

I was talking about this with a friend yesterday and she asked me what I would do if a future boyfriend ever accused me of cheating on him. If someone accused me of cheating on him I would have to end the relationship. Past experiences have dictated how I would react to something like that in the future. I don’t think I could ignore that in the past when I’ve been accused of cheating on someone it’s been because they’ve cheated on me. I can’t forget that. And while I’m more than willing to trust someone now, I’m not willing to put myself in such a situation again.

Now, I do know that someone could think I was cheating on them and not be cheating on me. In that case, the person has a lack of trust in me. That would really piss me off. I am trustworthy. I am honest. I do not believe in cheating on someone. I would never do that. And if someone actually, truly thought I was, that would hurt me. I wouldn’t want to be with someone who couldn’t trust me either. I deserve to be with someone who I can trust and who is willing to trust me. If I can trust you then dammit, you had damn well better trust me. ;)

So, long story short. If someone accused me of cheating on them it would be the end of the relationship. No matter the circumstances, it would never be true.
sitaangel: (Default)
I think trust is the most important part of a relationship. Sure, love is important too. Love will get you to the point of wanting to be with someone for the rest of your life and it'll keep you feeling that way. But, if you don't have trust it's not going to matter how much you love the person.

The way I see it, if you get into a relationship with someone you know you can't trust, then you are just plain stupid. Why would you be with someone untrustworthy? If you think you can change them, that's not likely to happen. Don't even waste your time.

If you have issues with trust that are going to keep you from trusting your trustworthy partner, then you shouldn't have gotten into a relationship with them. You should have worked on your trust issues before getting into a relationship with anyone. It's not fair to the other person. You never trusting them is only going to wear on them and eventually make them unhappy in the relationship. That's the only way your trust issues are going to make the relationship turn out. Do yourself and every potential partner a favor and work on those issues before getting into a relationship.

Me personally, I've had many trust issues and still do. However, I've never let them affect my ability to trust the person I am with. After what happened after the last guy I dated my ability to trust new people was shattered.

The things this guy did and said after we broke up were horrible. It left me not knowing how I could trust anyone new. Who is to say the next guy wouldn't do the same thing? Knowing that someone could do that to me again made me not want to trust anyone.

I was not able to trust. And even had I been able to trust, I didn't even want to. I try to live what I preach. After that relationship I knew I had to stay single for a good while. I knew I had to work on my trust issues (and myself) until I could and wanted to trust someone new. It's taken a while. I've been single for over a year now. But, I feel I'm finally in a place where I can trust again. I also want to trust again. Now would be the time to start looking for a relationship.

But, see? That is how it should be done. If you have trust issues don't get into a relationship until you know you can let yourself trust the other person.

It's a common sense theory, really.
sitaangel: (Default)
Actions speak louder than words.

There was once a time when I did not believe that. Words used to always mean more to me than actions did. I think that was because writing is a huge part of my life and thus words are a huge part of my life. I placed more value on words because of that. But, I learned my lesson the hard way.

I dated a guy who knew all the right words to say. He was good. When it came to following through on what he said - well, there was no follow through. He couldn't show that he wanted to be with me. In fact, all his actions just showed me that he didn't really care if he was with me or not. The relationship didn't last long, thankfully. I spent many days during it, though; banging my head against a wall in frustration. It hurt to be dating a guy who acted like he didn't want to be with me.

I realized then that while words are nice and needed, there also has to be actions to back up those words. Now I'm a huge believer in actions speak louder than words. A person can say sorry a thousand times and 'I love you' all they want, but if they're not going to prove that the things they say are true, then they're not worth listening to.

If the person you are in any sort of relationship with treats you like crap, it doesn't matter what they say. They can promise they'll change all they want, but if they don't prove it through their actions, don't believe anything they say. They will just continue to treat you like crap and unless you like being treated like crap, get the hell out. Their words mean crap.

Live by what I live by: If someone wants to be with me they will show me. If they can't or don't want to prove it with their actions, then I don't need to be with them.
sitaangel: (Default)
I have quite a few thoughts on being happy or unhappy in any aspect of your life. I have most of these thoughts written down, but now it's a matter of putting them all together into something presentable.

In the meantime, I ran across the following passage in another blog. This passage really hit a chord in me, especially a few certain sentences in it. I think it is something everyone should think about and take to heart.

Never Making Your Own Happiness a Priority

For the average person happiness is a choice, yet numerous people are unhappy. There are many reasons, but it all boils down to one simple principle: They choose something else over happiness. Because it often takes less effort to be unhappy.

To find true happiness in life you have to follow your heart and intuition. You have to be who you are, and design a lifestyle and career that fulfills you - no matter what that entails or what people say about it. And it is never too late to do so.

So be happy; be yourself. If others don't like it, then let them be. Life isn't about pleasing everybody. Begin today by taking responsibility for your own happiness. You are the only one who can create it. The choice is yours.

What really stood out to me in that passage:

* They choose something else over happiness. Because it often takes less effort to be unhappy.
* To find true happiness in life you have to follow your heart and intuition.
* And it is never too late to do so.
* Life isn't about pleasing everybody.

I couldn't agree more with any of that. It baffles to me to no end how some people choose to be unhappy rather than doing what they need to do to make themselves happy. But, that is for my next post on happiness.
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